How I Know Lance Used PEDs

I have first hand evidence that Lance Armstrong used performance-enhancing drugs while on his way to seven straight Tour de France victories. Ok, so I don’t have the results of a test or anything, but trust me when I say he had to have done it. Had to.

You see a couple weeks ago in Sun Valley I experienced a bit of a bike accident. My wife and I were riding on a nice, smooth bike path when I attempted to pull a Lance and pass her on my way to victory (winning nothing in the process). Out of nowhere, my front wheel turned perpendicular and I went down hard. Landing on my hip and elbow, followed by my head, this accident showed me very clearly that Lance had to be doping.

I saw Floyd Landis interviewed where he threw Lance under the bus (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLtgu1WFJu8) and with Landis also doping, it becomes obvious that anyone passing anyone else on a bike must be on drugs. When I tried it, disaster occurred. I went down so quickly that I really can’t recall how it happened. I don’t think passing is meant for non-drugged humans. But the real drama began after I fell. An off-duty fireman passed by and asked how I was. My response, “I’m good. Just feel like I am going to throw up”.

Side note: The year before in Sun Valley I destroyed my leg (giant scrape) on a sprinkler head playing wiffleball. I was tracking the final out that my brother-in-law hit, only to fall to the ground in pain and a loss on the scoreboard. Also to note, I threw up after.

The off-duty fireman came back again and insisted on calling in the EMTs. The sheriff showed up on a motorcycle and told me to stop moving my head. Three EMTs began giving me oxygen and asking my name and the date. People stopped in the street. The mayor came by only to keep on going as I wasn’t Ashton Kutcher. (We saw Ashton and Demi Moore at bike races the day before). Hey mayor, Two and Half Men sucks! And you suck!

After having to convince the EMTs that I am not dying and my father-in-law filming the whole ordeal, I finally went home. The lesson I learned? I am not Lance Armstrong. But if I had been on some PEDs, I would have dominated my wife and passed the hell out of her.