Almost Famous (Part Three)

For previous exchanges and explanation, please scroll down.

Joe:

I'm writing this while watching 'White Man Can't Jump', which requires me to address a few things before I answer your question. First: It's a great movie, with B+-to-A- basketball competency, but what's with the two ridiculous 360 layups in the first 15 minutes? Who does 360 layups? Second: Why is Kadeem Harrison, who steals the opening scene with his oversized Jordan jersey and bottomless mama jokes, so under used throughout the rest of the movie? He should be at every game played. No exceptions. Third: Did you know Ron Shelton is directing a'Game of Shadows' movie? Who do you think will play Barry Bonds? There are really only two criteria: Must be black, and must be able to put on 100 pounds of muscle over three weeks of shooting. Alternative: Omar Epps as Barry circa 1993, and Michael Clarke Duncan as Barry circa 2001. I'd watch that. I'd definitely watch that.

Your response to my last question, and your GM question, were interesting: You seem to look at things in a more positive, how-can-I-contribute manner. Me? I'm looking for the sport that, by its nature, I would be least able to screw up. As a player, I'd have to say baseball. But I'm not thinking that I would contribute at all. I just think if you stuck me in right field for the Red Sox, while we would definitely suck, we could still win some games, even if I went 0-for-the-season. We could score runs in innings I wasn't up, our pitcher could throw a shutout -- we could win. Football, basketball, soccer -- I'm pretty sure if you stuck me on any team in any of those leagues, we would lose every game, or close to it. The parts are just too integral in those games. Too easy to pick on the weak link.

As a GM, I'd go with numbers again and pick basketball. Odd, because I probably know the least about it. But there are so few parts, it seems like the simplest formula to figure out. You need a star, one or two more all-stars that compliment the star and a bunch of great role players. You need a coach that the players don't hate, who can make some adjustments on the fly, and who can get his guys to play team defense. And you need a lot of luck.

Obviously it's a lot harder than that, but I think it'd take less time to figure out than the rest. Honestly? Call it Sports Guy Syndrome, but I think if you gave me five years I could be as good as whoever the hell's run the Warriors into the ground over the last 20 years.

I'd ask you the same thing, but if you didn't answer basketball we'd all know you were just mixing it up for mixing-it-up's sake. So: We'll flip it a bit: You win the megamillions tomorrow, $320 million. The only catch: You have to buy an existing major sports team. And not any team: A team that needs a new owner, that's in the bottom half of its league and needs a new direction. Taking into consideration all factors -- including fan base, having to live in the city, current roster, etc. -- what team do you buy, and what do you do to turn it around?

One more exception: You can't pick the Seahawks or the Mariners. You have to take up residence in a new city.

Go.

Brian:

First and foremost, I think you have and always will like "White Men Can't Jump" much more than the average person. Even more than the average sports fan. The movie to me fits in the realm of most basketball movies where the game action is sub-par. Now this film doesn't hit the lows of Coach Carter or some others, but it doesn't reach the high of Hoosiers. That movie can't be touched in my eyes. Although I would give special mention to Marques Johnson's role in White Men Can't Jump for when he goes to his car and gets the gun to shoot them. Also, that reminds me...Above the Rim is underrated for the 2Pac factor (along with the razor blade he keeps in his bottom lip). Ok, apparently I am feeling a bit violent today.

Game of Shadows seems like a movie I will never watch no matter who plays Barry Bonds. I think a better film would be a documentary following Ichiro. He wears the weirdest clothes and says the most awesome things such as (aside from the genius Cleveland quote):

On speeding up the game: "Yesterday when I played, inside my head I said 'I want to go home quickly,' and I swung and I was able to get a hit because I wanted to go home. Today I thought, 'I want to hurry up and get something to eat,' and I swung and got a hit today."

Explaining why he missed catching a fly ball: "The ball became the same color as the sky. So, I wasn't able to see it ... I was sending mental signals for the ball not to come my way, because during that time of day it's impossible for me to see the ball so I lacked mental signals. I lacked in that area. Usually, I don't send mental signals. So, because this is the first time, I thought, please don't come my way."

On great athletes: "Tiger is a great golfer, but ... when you say athlete, I think of Carl Lewis. When you talk about (golfers or race-car drivers), I don't want to see them run. It's the same if you were to meet a beautiful girl and go bowling. If she's an ugly bowler, you are going to be disappointed."

For a complete list, visit http://100percentinjuryrate.blogspot.com/2007/06/existential-angst-of-ichiro-suzuki.html

Oh and you would cost your team a lot of runs if you played outfield. You don't think 2-4 hitters per team could try to hit toward you. Do you think you could track a line drive? And would your legs move fast enough?

It is funny that you think if I don't pick basketball that I am just trying to spice things up. While I coach, I really would have no desire to be a GM of a NBA team. My first love has always been baseball and to me, it is the sport where a GM has the biggest impact. The NBA is too dependent on factors out of your control such as the lottery (frozen envelopes, LeBron preferences, luck), location, and salary cap. For example, the Kings are atrocious. In the time that Spencer Hawes has been there (2 years now), they will be moving on to their fourth coach. They needed Blake Griffin or Ricky Rubio. They won't get either with the #4 pick. Also, who is going to Sacramento as a free agent? The only reason would be for the Maloof connection. It is the same reason why the entire city of Cleveland is kissing LeBron's ass right now. They are deathly afraid he will leave for a city where people actually want to keep living. And it is so hard to trade. Plus no minor league for development. The NBDL does not fit that description.

So I would much rather be a GM of a baseball team. You can absolutely change the entire franchise around and do it with limited funds if you are smart. Look at Oakland for the early 2000s, Tampa Bay last year, and Florida twice. Limited budget, good trades, and awesome farm system.

This leads me to your question. With $320 million I could buy exactly zero NFL teams. The cheapest NFL team according to Forbes is the Minnesota Vikings at $839 million and then you would be living in fricking Minnesota. Oakland is second and we all know there is no way I am living in Oakland. There are eleven NBA teams that fit, but the best options are probably Portland ($307 million), Clippers ($297 million), New Orleans ($285 million) and Indiana ($303 million). Who cares about Indiana? New Orleans is a mess due to Katrina (thanks to Bush). Portland - Allen isn't selling. Clippers - Sterling doesn't seem to care that they suck so he isn't selling.

That leaves us with MLS. Just kidding. You could buy almost the entire league for that amount, but who would want to? They all lose money and you own a MLS team. Great.

Tampa Bay, Oakland, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, and Florida fit the bill for baseball. Florida, TB, and Oakland all have serious stadium issues. Plus Tampa Bay recently was sold. Kansas City is interesting but I am not living there. So my choice is the Pittsburgh Pirates. I know, weird. Yet they have a passionate fan base who is consumed with the Steelers. There is room for another team to root for especially since they play at different times of the year. Yet the Pirates lost for so many years since the Van Slyke, Bonds, and Bonilla era. The Pirates are valued at $288 million and the current owner bought them for $93 million. He would sell to make money off the deal. I would still have about $32 million to live with so no big deal.

They recently hired Neil Hunington as General Manager and I am not sure about him yet. I may let him keep his job for now. I would up the payroll a bit, but they have a newer stadium which looks awesome. Their uniforms are phenomenal and there is a ton of history in Pennsylvania. I would teach and just have a T.A. to grade.

Their major league talent is young or signed for a few years like Nate McClouth, Nyjer Morgan, Ryan Doumit, and Paul Maholm. Craig Hansen will be a good closer soon I believe. Plus they aren't as bad of hitters as the Mariners. The M's have four players with an OPS over .700. The Pirates have 11. Not to mention 4-5 pretty decent prospects in the minors. They need way more depth, but that is why Huntington would be on a short leash. Andrew McCutchen is an AAA outfielder who is hitting .293 with 3 homers and 18 RBI (.841 OPS), along with 10 steals. 3B Pedro Alvarez was a top 5 pick last year and has nine homers in his first full season at A. A couple other pitchers are doing well in their top 10 prospects that I won't bore you with.

Fan support waiting for a winner. Good stadium. Tradition. Can't get much better. I pick the Pirates.

Switching gears, but staying with the Pirates and baseball. Of the following scandalous folks, A-Rod, Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Manny Ramirez, and Roger Clemens, who belongs in the Hall of Fame? Taking into account stats, regular criteria and gambling/putting needles in your bum or having someone else do it for you at the Sky Dome.

Almost Famous (Part Two)

For the first exchange and explanation, please scroll down.

Joe:
Weird. I take myself entirely too seriously, only to have you make ceaseless fun of me while also winning the argument. If Dallas would just flip over a coffee table while Ravi buys penny stocks Naveed rides a stationary bike, we'd basically have my entire college experience wrapped into one email chain.

Interesting that you equate our disinterest in sports we once loved to the quality of play. The Sonics were bad, and the NBA "product" has declined, so you no longer watch. The Giants are atrocious, so I checked out. I actually think that has very little to do with it. We've both happily rooted for plenty of bad teams over the years -- mid-80s Giants, anyone? Santa Clara basketball? Ravi and Brian in Wiffleball? -- and never thought twice about it. The reality, I think, is that our interest in sports has less to do that the physical acts taking place on the field than we realize, and more to do with the characters and other elements of the ongoing story of teams. It's the announcers, the coaches, the stadiums, the interesting players, the lame local commercials that play during timeouts. We have a serious relationship with our teams, and our connection with the rest of the league is filtered through that experience. Once that goes away, we have no context through which to view the rest of the league, so we slowly check out. That's why I checked out of baseball but not basketball or football: LeBron was immediately interesting, and Nate, my friend who played for the Broncos, made them relevant to me. (Although football has so few games, and has so saturated the sports landscape, I think I'd stay relatively interested even without that connection).

Fantasy sports obviously changes that for some people, because it gives them a "team" through which to filter the experience. College basketball is an exception for you, because you're a coach, and coaches are the stars, and you like to watch Coach K to see which butt cheek he lifts off the bench first when he gets up to make a substitution so you can make sure you do the same. But I suspect if you moved to Phoenix or Chicago or Pittsburgh, you'd have a much harder time staying into baseball than you expect.

My favorite in-person sports moment? Probably when I watched the Giants clinch the division in 2002 and ... oh wait, I had tickets to that game and gave them away to my dad. Which I can't feel too bad about, since my dad's the reason I love(d?) the Giants, but still. That hurt.

Honestly, this is hard. Objectively speaking, it was probably the Ohio State-Michigan game in 2006, with the Big Ten title on the line. Ohio State football games are certainly the biggest, most-hyped, drunkest and sloppiest sporting events I've ever been to, and this was The Horseshoe at full-strength. I sat pretty close to the field, on the wall, and when the Buckeyes won --- clinching a berth in the national title game -- I had to storm the field simply to avoid getting trampled. I was one of the first 20 people to the middle of the field, and despite not giving two shits about OSU football, I was going apeshit, just swept up in the hysteria of the 100,000 Buckeye crazies. Then I crashed an undergrad party and played the congas in a stranger's backyard. Ah, to be sort-of young.

So, yeah, objectively speaking, that had to be it. But sports aren't objective, so that's beaten out by a few more personal moments:

3. Barry Bonds' first home game as a Giant, in which he hit a homerun at a sold-out Candlestick. (Benito Santiago also hit the first homerun in Marlins' history -- and the guy in the bleachers threw it back. I never did decide whether that was the coolest or the stupidest homerun throwback of all time. Strikes me as the perfect time for the ole throw-the-fake-ball-from-your-backpack move, followed by the ole bribe-the-shit-out-of-the-Marlins move. Although the Marlins probably would've offered the dude half their roster and let him keep the ball too).

1(t). SCU-Gonzaga, WCC title game, 1998. Yeah, we lost, but I've never been at a game with so much crowd energy. You literally felt as if the student section was going to burst like a floodwall onto the court start tearing FP Santangelo's flesh from his bones. So. Freaking. Cool.

1(t). Giants-Marlins wild-card round playoff game, 1997. This was basically the same experience: We lost, and were in fact eliminated from the playoffs. This was when baseball had the awesomely dumb idea of giving the wild-card teams the first two games at home against the division winners. The ole 2-3 format. It's actually pretty amazing that men smart enough to get jobs running baseball were dumb enough to think that was a good idea.

Anyway, the game pretty much sucked from the start, but the energy of Barry Bonds' first at bat -- 60,000 people, "The Next Episode" blasting, Barry strolling to the plate while thinking about how he would evade taxes and start steroids that off-season -- was the coolest energy I've ever felt at a live sporting event. I'll never forget it.

Goddamn I miss that lunatic steroid-bound ass clown.

You should answer that one as well, but give me your top five, because you've been to a lot of sporting events. But do it quickly, because you also have to tell me this:

Of the Big Four sports -- MLB, NFL, NBA and, of course, MLS -- which do you think you could impact the least negatively if a team was forced to start you and play you a reasonable amount of time throughout a season, and why? Bonus question: Which sport would you pick for me?

P.S. The Cavs just lost Game 3. Here's my new theory: In accumulating the best record with the best layer, the Cavs convinced everyone that they were the best team in the league. In fact, they were the fourth or fifth best team, but LeBron forced them to play with such focus, energy and toughness so consistently throughout the regular season -- when the rest of the teams were routinely taking games off -- they amassed the best record simply by out working everyone. But now, during the post-season -- when everyone is giving maximum effort --- they're hosed. In other words, it's not just a bad matchup with the Magic. They would have struggled just as much against the Nuggets or Lakers, and maybe even the Celtics or Rockets (especially if either was healthy).

They lose in six. The Nuggets lose in 7. The Lakers win the title in 6.

Brian:
Overwhelmed by possible responses, I must first comment on your opening. I do have a history of belittling you to the point of you no longer speaking to me (even if it is temporary), but I think both you and I know that I am funny in only two ways: one is making fun of you and the other is making fun of myself. So thankfully you provided me with the perfect opportunity.

If a team were forced to pay me actual U.S. dollars and had to put me on the field/court, I would most likely be Carlos Silva. Oh snap!

I think that we can effectively eliminate the NFL without question. Can you imagine what I would look like in pads? Ever seen the movie “Lucas”? That would be me. Now imagine Ray Lewis breathing on me and saying, “I am going to kill you like I did Bambi on that Saturday Night Live cartoon!” I would poop my pants, call it a day, and just run myself into a wall so I got a concussion. For equally opposite reasons we can eliminate the MLS. That requires skills with your feet that I don’t have, nor do I have the conditioning to keep up with those players. I might be able to just run into small forwards and get carded early on, but they would most likely just dribble around me and then blow kisses to the crowd.

That leaves MLB and the NBA. At first I eliminated the NBA due to my lack of (a) height, (b) quickness, and (c) skill. A trifecta! Yet they don’t really play much defense in the NBA, at least not on the bad teams. So say I made the Grizzlies and played guard next to OJ Mayo. I would just give him the ball and spot up for 15 foot jumpers. I could do that. Yet I think my best bet is right handed reliever for a Major League Baseball team. I assume that my top speed of 51 MPH would confuse hitters so much that they would wail away and miss. I would only face one batter every other game (someone like Adrian Beltre who swings way too hard all the time) and even if they connected, there wouldn’t be enough momentum for the hitter to do much with it. Shouldn’t someone try this? I mean the Mariners currently owe $31 million this year to Silva, Jarrod Washburn, and Miguel Batista. That is absurd.

You would have to play in MLB as well. We already know how basketball turned out for you thanks to your professional journalistic experience.

I think you would be a hitter though. I mean it is has already been done to a certain degree by Eddie Gaedal. You could draw walks and you would certainly piss off many pitchers. You love to swing hard and you would complain about calls all the time. It would be phenomenal. You would swing as hard as you could and lace the occasional soft blooper into left. I can’t imagine a greater spectacle in all of sports.

In terms of my favorite live-in-person sports moments, you remind me that there have been great moments in which my team didn’t win. I had never considered the SCU-Gonzaga game before (in which you affectionately called Matt Santangelo, FP Santangelo, who as we know was a journeyman outfielder), but probably should as it was a blast. I blocked out a good portion of college due to the whole devil woman attraction incident (and by incident, I mean two full years and one year of post-devil depression, not a big deal though……isn’t it amazing someone married me?) so Santa Clara games really can’t be included. Either way, I don’t think anything comes near this top three:

3. The 2001 All-Star Game at Safeco Field.
My father somehow was connected to someone who got us in as volunteers for the All-Star game. Little did I know at the time, our volunteer duties would include holding a Cuban flag on the field as the P.A. announcer introduced the starting line ups for both teams. Randy Johnson and Pudge Rodriguez walked by about five feet away and 45,000 people stared at us as we honored Tony Perez and Communism in general. Of course this was Cal Ripken’s last game and he hit a home run. Even though I never particularly liked Cal Ripken, being part of history was fairly awesome. Not to mention this was part of the 116 win season in which eight Mariners made the A.L. squad and Freddy Garcia got the win with Kaz Sasaki getting the save.

2. The NFC Championship Game
Aside from Luis having seven too many jello shots, this game was awesome. Actually if you remember from previous emails and posts, Luis decided that he needed to listen to Eminem for the entire first half. He missed almost everything. Meanwhile I became fast friends with everyone around me as I literally had never and will never cheer as loud and as long as I did at that game. The Hawks absolutely dominated the Panthers and reached the promised land, only to be robbed by the referees. I will not back down on that and I don’t want to discuss it any more.

1. The 1995 Divisional Series
I combine three games into one here. The Mariners were down 2-0 to the hated Yankees after Tim Belcher gave up a bomb to now convict Jim Leyritz to end game two. The emotion and unpredictability of these three games (thank God for that same format you hated so much) could only be capped by game five. Tied at 4-4, Randy Johnson entered the game as a reliever in extra innings. The Kingdome went absolutely nuts! And then despite his dominance in that era, he gave up a run in the top of the 11th. Yet this was the “Refuse to Lose” season. When Edgar Martinez hit a double down the left field line with Joey Cora on third and Ken Griffey Jr on first, I remember thinking to myself, “Thank God, we tied the game!”. Then Griffey started rounding third and adrenaline shot through my entire body. When he scored, I have never felt so happy at a sporting event (saving myself as my wedding should and does come above this) in my whole life. The guy in front of us threw his shoulder out cheering. We stayed for nearly two hours just yelling and screaming as the entire team came back out on the field after celebrating in the clubhouse. It was incredible.

This was the last Mariner playoff game I attended and 2001 was the last time the Mariners went to the playoffs. As I wrote in an earlier entry, Bill Bavasi ruined the Mariners for four years and probably for another two or three until they can rid themselves of his horrific decisions. With this being said, what sport do you think you could be the best General Manager of (NFL, MLS, NHL, MLB, NBA)? What would be your philosophy to make you successful?

Almost Famous

After conversing with professional journalist and amateur midget Joe Tone, I came up with a good idea. Bill Simmons exchanges emails with author Malcolm Gladwell and posts it on ESPN.com, mostly because Simmons used to be really funny and Gladwell writes phenomenal books and has even more phenomenal hair. Since Joe is an author of some sort and I am a Sports Guy of some sort, I figured my blog is a perfect place for the Almost Famous version of this type of exchange. Thus from now until whenever we choose to stop, Joe and I will be exchanging emails and posting them here on anything and everything we choose to discuss.

The first question posed to Joe by me was: Which city is a better sports town, Cleveland or Denver? (In case you don't know, Joe recently wrote for a fake newspaper in Cleveland and currently writes for another fake paper in Denver).

Joe:
This was actually fun. You didn't ask, but both Cleveland and Denver are way better sports towns than the Bay Area, as sad as that is.

Cleveland and Denver, as sports towns and cities in general, are actually quite similar. Denver's like a bigger, better dressed, tanner, skinnier, and slightly less clinically depressed version of Cleveland. Both towns are pretty drunk; Denver was actually voted the drunkest city in the country by Men's Health, but that's because Cleveland got hammered and forgot to fill out the form. There's better weed in Denver, if you're into that sort of thing. Cleveland has more water, a lake and a river, but the river caught on fire and the lake is frozen for about 10 months a year. Denver has Red Rocks and about 47 times more jobs. So there's that.

As sports towns, both have teams in the “big three” sports, which has to be pretty depressing for you. (My apologies, by the way. I actually interviewed David Stern once, and have his phone number if you want to start leaving him harassing messages. No jury in the land would convict). But as volume goes, Denver's got Cleveland beat: This city's got like 47 pro teams, including hockey, MLS, rugby, two lacrosse teams – seriously – and even a lingerie football team.

As quality goes, it feels like a wash. The Nuggets and Cavs are both outstanding and anchored by young, exciting players who have both been dicks to me. The Rockies and Indians should probably be disbanded. The Broncos and Browns are both going to suck colossally, their suckitude magnified by their young, inexplicably cocky coaches. I'm pretty sure the Avs are woeful, but honestly, they could win a Stanley Cup title and I wouldn't notice. I'll pay attention to hockey when they don't have a team in Tennessee.

Both cities have great stadiums, actually. Denver probably gets the edge here because 1) the baseball stadium has buffalo dogs and a purple row of seats that's a mile high; the football stadium wasn't built on a lake that tends to produce gusts of frozen wind; and unlike Cleveland, the stadiums in Denver were were not, as far as I know, built entirely on the public dime by a mayor who was later found by FBI to be accepting bribes from more or less everyone involved in the stadium projects. But because Cleveland is shrinking like coked-up starlet, their games are much more accessible: parking, tickets, transportation, it's just easier to find yourself at a game in Cleveland.

Here's what it comes down to: The fans. Cleveland's are drunker, louder, more emotional. Not by much, but they are. (Especially in basketball and baseball). As a non-native, that emotion – and the history they have with their teams – makes rooting for Cleveland's teams feel a little more natural, and more fun, than rooting for Denver's. But again, not by much.

Wow, that was long and totally useless to anyone reading your blog, since it's highly unlikely any of your friends are wavering between moving to Cleveland or Denver. (If they are, they should ignore this and move to Denver). We should really change the subject. I'll give you two choices. You can answer either, both, or neither:

1. As you know, all the way through college, baseball was my favorite sport. I watched or listened to every Giants game, studied it like it was my major. But after I moved to Cleveland, while I gravitated toward Browns football and Cavs hoops, my relationship with baseball literally just stopped. Why?

2. This might be too painful, but: How has the Sonics' departure changed your relationship with the NBA?

Alright, go. I'm really depressed by the fact that I do this for a living and yet you're favored to outfunny me by 14.5 jokes.

Brian:

Clearly you are not aware that the "big three" have changed. The MLS has taken over for the NBA. Who would you rather watch, Fredy Montero or LeBron James? Of course we all know the answer. This will lead me to my answer to one of your questions later.

How does a river catch on fire by the way? That is amazing. Cleveland should win right there. Also, LeBron making fun of you seems so much cooler than Carmelo making fun of you. In fact, you could probably punch Carmelo in his face and he would start crying. LeBron would just buy your pride, make it into a puppet called Sad FakeJew (for help understanding, visit http://www.brandspankingjew.com/) and then have Kobe's puppet make fun of you just for giggles.

Agreed on the hockey. I think as long as Tampa Bay, Carolina, Florida, Atlanta, Anaheim, Nashville, and Phoenix have hockey teams, I will not watch. Then when they eliminate all those teams, I still won't watch. Unless Seattle gets a team, then I will probably get season tickets and advocate the return of the glowing puck. Why is Men's Health voting on drunk cities? Shouldn't they be voting on which cities read Men's Health so they can figure out where all the men with low self esteem live? Now on to the two questions.

It is quite disturbing that you seem as if you don't care about baseball anymore. But I have the answer for you. It is complex, so it might take you seven or eight reads to understand. I mean it did take you about a year to realize that Jen Kanne really was going to stay with the handsome ex-Stanford basketball player and not return to you (no offense).

First, you get distracted easily. I remember times in college where you would go get Bacon and Cheddar Potato Wedges rather than watch the Giants. Or play wiffleball (which is actually defendable and justifiable, especially considering you played in the juiced era where midgets like you and Brady Anderson could hit massive bombs off stud pitchers who were playing clean like me). Or do whatever it was that Stacey used to do. Dharma and Greg ring a bell? Jesus.

Second, your team is awful. I just watched the Giants play for three games in Seattle and my god, they are actually worse than the Mariners. The Giants website actually says, "Vote Bengie, Vote Giants". Bengie Molina is the best offensive player and bats clean up. That is atrocious. Tim Lincecum is obviously a stud, but his arm is going to fall of in the next 7-9 months. The Giants still owe Barry Zito $158 trillion and they feature such studs as Bob Howry, Rich Aurilia, and Juan Uribe (who is listed at 230 pounds, but must be pushing 350) to name a few. That makes the Giants irrelevant to those who live in the Bay Area. You live in Denver and you are a journalist, meaning no MLB extra innings package and no reason to watch the Giants. So some of your abandonment is natural.

In terms of your question about the NBA.....the NBA can eat poop.

I am watching the NBA playoffs and probably will for the rest of my life, but I watched almost no regular season action. I used to watch almost every Sonic game if it didn't conflict with my own coaching. Even with the horrid product put on the floor the past few seasons, I watched. And I was excited for the Kevin Durant era. When the Sonics left (despite my father and I, along with Spencer Hawes, joining thousands at a public rally outside the courthouse), I lost interest. I tried to root for the Blazers as both Brandon Roy and Martell Webster are there, but it didn't work. It wasn't natural and I didn't care.

But the weirdest part is how it doesn't really effect me that much. I like college basketball better and I really don't have any sadness or anger about the NBA being gone. Maybe it is because the Sonics were so bad for the last few years. Maybe it is because there is so much isolation and lack of energy in the game itself. Maybe it is because the Thunder are still irrelevant. I don't know, but it surprises me.

Not sure if any of that leads you in any direction, but thinking of not being able to go to NBA games anymore, I came up with this: What is your favorite sports moment you witnessed in person?

Thank You Bill Bavasi

Since the Seattle Mariners cannot score more than one run in any given game, I did not feel like they are worth mentioning. Yet I do have hope thanks to Jack Zduriencik. Although my hope may be false since I am comparing him to Mr. Bill Bavasi.

I spent much of the Bavasi years in strong denial. I tried to believe in what he was doing, even convincing myself in the 2004 season that the Mariners would be better than the Red Sox. I did a whole statistical analysis and everything. Of course the Mariners went on to lose 99 games and the Red Sox won the World Series. This was followed by Justin laughing in my face repeatedly.

When looking back at the Bavasi years all I see is poop. Honestly, these could have been the worst four years in the history of general managers. I can’t believe how bad he was at his job. If I was that bad at teaching I would be living in a box right now on Cherry and 10th.

A blog commented in 2007 on the best and worst moves (this was pre-Bedard trade) in Bavasi’s era. These were the best trades:

Randy Winn for Jesse Foppert and Yorvit Torrealba
Dave Hansen for Jon Huber
Marcos Carvajal for Jose De La Cruz
Aaron Taylor for Sean Green
Shin Soo Choo and Shawn Nottingham for Ben Broussard
Chris Snelling and Emiliana Fruto for Jose Vidro

The best trades turn out to be in many ways the worst ones. The author assumed Vidro and Broussard would help the Mariners. Um, no. Take the Broussard deal. Choo is hitting .305 with five homers and 26 RBI this season. Of course no Mariner has as many RBIs as Choo does this season. He is a career .293 hitter. Great deal.

Jesse Foppert? Yorvit Torrealba? Not in the system.

The presence of Jose Vidro on my television for a year made me have suicidal thoughts.

Sean Green is the only player Bavasi acquired who did anything with his life.

Those are the good trades. THE GOOD TRADES.

Lucky for me, the Tacoma News Tribune’s Darrin Beane listed all the Bavasi transactions on his blog. You can see it here.

http://blogs.thenewstribune.com/mariners/2008/06/16/the_bavasi_years

The very first transaction Bavasi made was signing Raul Ibanez to a three year deal. Why didn’t he stop then? Just don’t make any other transactions and the Mariners probably would have won more games over those four years. Isn’t that amazing? Being a wall or a doorstop would have been more effective than being a human being in the case of Bill Bavasi.

In December of 2003, he signed Scott Spiezio to a three year deal. In January of 2004, he signed Rich Aurilia to a one year deal. Aurilia was gone in July. Spiezio somehow made it to 2005. Spiezio hit .215 in 2004 and .064 in 2005. Awesome.

Bavasi traded Freddy Garcia and Ben Davis for Miguel Olivo, Jeremy Reed, and Mike Morse in June of 2004. Garcia went 40-23 in two and a half seasons for the White Sox while Reed and others peed on themselves.

Hey in December of 2004, Bavasi signed Richie Sexson. (.244 hitter with 497 K’s for $50 million).

He also signed Pokey Reese (never played a game), Carl Everett, Matt Lawton, Fernando Vina, Kevin Appier, and Brad Wilkerson who all did absolutely nothing for the Mariners.

Hey in December of 2005, Bavasi singed Jarrod Washburn. (26-46 with 4.49 ERA for $37 million).

Even small deals like trading Matt Thornton for Joe Borchard or Yorman Bazardo for Jeff Frazier blew up in Bavasi’s face. Thornton posted a 2.67 ERA in relief last year for the White Sox and sits at 2.12 this year. Oh and he is left handed. The Mariners have no lefty relief right now. Bazardo is in AAA but has a 4-2 record with a 3.64 ERA while Jeff Frazier was later traded back to the Tigers. Incredible.

Or how about acquiring Eduardo Perez for Asdrubal Cabrera? He is hitting .320 with 25 RBI. Again those would be tops on the Mariners, but thankfully we have Jose Lopez who loves being mediocre. Oh and Eduardo Perez is horrible. At broadcasting. Super.

Cody Ransom? Staring third baseman for the Yankees before A-Rod stopped being a baby. Given up for cash by the M’s in 2006.

Horacio Ramirez? Acquired for Rafael Soriano on December 7, 2006. Released in March of 2008. One year – 7.16 ERA.

Hey in December of 2007, Bavasi signed Carlos Silva to a four year deal. (5-18 with a 6.77 ERA thus far in his second year, $24 million owed the next two years).

And of course the Erik Bedard trade. While Bedard has been good this year posting a 2-2 record with a 2.64 ERA, he only threw 81 innings last season. Meanwhile here are the players the Orioles acquired:

Adam Jones - .362, 9 home runs, 30 RBI this season. A stud.

George Sherrill – 31 saves last season, 9 saves this year with 2.89 ERA

Chris Tillman – 5-0, 2.13 ERA, 44 K’s in eight starts. (#2 prospect in the system).

Kam Mickolio – 1-2, 5.65 ERA as a reliever in AAA

Tony Butler – 3-4, 4.42 ERA in A as a starter

Wow, that was depressing. Hey look, the Mariners are on TV soon. Oh. Dear. God. I just realized I didn’t even include the signing of Jeff Weaver.

Sounders Recap (5/23)

- The Colorado Rapids according to their website apparently live with the motto, “Heart. Pride. Honor.” I think their marketing department watches a bit too much Gladiator.

- With a name like Rapids, I would assume the mascot would be some sort of tidal wave, yet I see a fox of some sort. And it is taunting the Sounders fans in attendance by waving a scarf. After doing some research, I learned a lot of disturbing mascot information.

First, the fox is Franz the Fox. From the website:
The fourth, and newest member of the Rapids Mascots, Franz is a Vulpes vulpes, or as they are more commonly known, a red fox! Franz is a defender, and will wear the Rapids' third kit, as well as the #5 on the back of his jersey. The red fox is native to Colorado and tends to make its habitat near human-populated areas, such as the Rocky Mountain Arsenal Wildlife Refuge, which is adjacent to Dick's Sporting Goods Park! The Rapids chose Franz to be part of their mascot crew for the reason that red foxes are very territorial, very loyal, and extremely quick on their feet as part of their nature.....the same qualities that make a superb defender!

Are you serious? They make him sound like a God. Yet according to National Geographic the red fox will eat pet food or garbage. Enjoy eating garbage Franz. And why is his name Franz? Is Franz a common name in Commerce City (more to come on that later)?

It gets worse.

The Rapids have four fricking mascots. Along with Franz the Garbage Eating Fox, they feature Edson the Eagle (a midfielder), Marco Van Bison (a forward), and Jorge El Mapache who is a stupid raccoon. What is going on?

It gets even worse.

Again from the website.

What Happened to RapidMan?
RapidMan, the club’s former mascot, made the 4th of July, 2007, his official retirement date. After being part of the club since the team's inception in 1996, RapidMan announced plans to pursue other ventures. The Rapids held a Testimonial Match in RapidMan's honor at halftime of the Rapids' July 4 game. In the soccer world, it is traditional to hold a testimonial match in recognizance of a player who gives 10 years or more of service to his club, and as RapidMan had served the Rapids organization for 12 seasons, the Rapids invited in several of RapidMan's fellow mascots from around Denver and the world to participate in the game.

Do they know RapidMan was a mascot? This is really pissing me off. Foxes cannot grip scarves. This is a poor representation of animals for the children.

On to the other notes.

- Steve Zakuani looked overmatched for most of the game. Without Ljundberg and Alonso (who left one minute into the match), he was constantly pressured, double teamed, and beat up. He didn’t respond for much of the match, but did have a couple opportunities late. Makes sense as a rookie.

- Early in both halves, the Sounders had very little possession. When they did, they looked pretty good. And they possessed the ball for most of the last twenty minutes where they had numerous chances but couldn't convert.

- James Riley is very valuable. He wins balls, serves great ones down the sideline and created both goals with awesome crosses.

- Montero scored and assisted the other goal, but he is really a scorer only in my opinion. He lacks the ability to possess the ball and dives way too much. With that said, I am glad he is on the Sounders. Confusing? Yes. Why? I am an idiot.

- Nate Jacqua doesn’t do much, little skills with feet. Never seems to get his head on the ball despite that being his strength. At the same time, he scored the game tier when the game looked all but over. So what do I know? More confusion. Awesome.

- Colin Clarke – I hate. No confusion there.

- Cummings running wild and free down sideline in the first half. Crossing everywhere. Similar to how RapidMan would play I assume.

- Keller – two ridiculous saves. One on Conor Casey header. The other with foot one on one with Mastroeni. Then says, “What the f are we doing?” Except he didn’t say “f”.

- Apparently Keller likes mascots more than I do.

- The Sounders miss Alonso and Ljundberg a lot. And I am Captain Obvious.

- Somehow the Sounders tied this match. Despite the fact that they know have drawn in four straight matches, this was a good result. Without Alonso, Ljundberg, and Evans, this was what they needed.

- On June 20th, the Rapids will be featuring the “2009 Festival of Women”. Do they know how that sounds?

Sounders Preview (Eat it Joe)

Despite pleas by Joseph Tone (a.k.a. The Shortest Man Who Buffalo Hates), I am here to give a preview of the match tonight between the Sounders FC and the Colorado Rapids. You see despite my shortcomings as a player, I grew an affinity toward soccer (or futbol) throughout the years. This fondness (I wouldn’t go as far as say love) of soccer grew even if my knowledge friend Luis did not. He stayed 5’7.

When Dana said she wanted to get season tickets to something, I didn’t hesitate. Thus I am a season ticket holder, next to Luis, behind the goal at Qwest Field. Amazingly so are 21,998 others. 22,000 season ticket holders and a sell out every game. Unprecedented in MLS history including Toronto who has about 16,000 season ticket holders. Then on our trip to London, Dana and I stayed at a flat only blocks away from Emirates Stadium, home of Arsenal. Everyone loves soccer in England. It was infectious.

So the Sounders head into a match tonight in second place in the Western Conference behind the mighty Chivas. With a 4-2-3 record, the Sounders have 15 points while Colorado sits right behind with 12 points (3-2-3). Unfortunately for the Sounders they have a few things going against them tonight.

Freddie Ljundberg, international hottie (holler! Oh uh, nothing, ignore that), still has migraines (seriously? migranes?) thus he did not travel with the boys. National hottie Brad Evans (what? stop), recently featured as a hot player by Cosmo Girl (what an honor), also will not be traveling. Neither will Zach Scott but who cares? He isn’t even hot.

On to heterosexual commentary.

These losses will hurt the Sounders obviously. The return of John Legend (or James Riley as he is normally known) should help and without anyone getting a red card for this first time in weeks, the Sounders should have everyone else available.

Yet after starting the year 3-0-0, the Sounders lost two in a row before winning a match and then pulling out draws in the past three. Obviously any result on the road is a good thing, but those who saw the second half of the last game against FC Dallas spoke of the putrid nature in which Los Sounderos played. The Sounders need to step it up from the level of play they have shown the past few weeks. They need Fredy Montero to be a threat again. They need LeBron to play like 6th year LeBron. (For those wondering….LeBron is Steve Zakiuani, #1 overall pick from Akron….nuff said).

Maybe the Sounders will get some solid play from Peter Vagenas (I will resist the comments), who will be starting and appearing in his first game this year. A veteran of eight seasons with the LA Galaxy and brief appearances with the national team, Vagenas could provide a little of what Ljundberg does. Maybe not, but he along with Alonso could provide some good ball control in the midfield.

The X factor for the Sounders continues to be Kasey Keller. No matter how poorly they play, the Sounders will have a chance to earn points because of the dominance of the Lacey native. He will be up against some formidable foes tonight as the Rapids are led by ex-Portland Pilot Conor Casey (and former awful U.S. soccer mistake), who is 2nd in the MLS with five goals in just eight matches. Colorado also features Pablo Mastroeni and Cory Gibbs, who both earned time with the national team.

And guess what? Tonight is Asian-Pacific Heritage Night! The first 2,000 fans get a free poster of Kosuke Kimura! Holla! Kimura is the first Japanese player in the history of the MLS. And of course he attended Western Illinois University, home of the Leathernecks. And how do they honor Kosuke? By not starting him. Awesome.

Prediction? Since I hate Conor Casey…..2-1 Seattle.

$20 Chinese Food!

Is there anything better in this world than LeBron James?

I am not an athlete idolizer by any means, but it seems as if anything LeBron touches right now is pure gold. The Olympics. The NBA regular season. Announcing he will be in next year's dunk contest. That State Farm commercial where he dances like Kid N' Play. And now the puppet commercial. Here is the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtzQ0eXVoJo

And then the ridiculousness of LeBron got a little more ridiculous tonight. With one second remaining, LeBron hit a fadeaway three to snatch victory away from the Magic.

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4200792

Simply insane.

And it made me wonder a little more what I already debated and thought about in terms of LeBron and the Black Mamba. Not necessarily who is better, but who would you rather have at the end of a game?

I always made the argument that LeBron is now a better player than Kobe, but when it comes down to needing someone to hit a game winner I would choose Kobe. Is that the right choice?

After looking at the fantastic website http://www.82games.com/, I learned some interesting stats. They break down game winning shots for the following seasons: Regular Seasons: '03-04, '04-05, '05-06, '06-07, '07-08, '08-09 (thru 2/4) and playoffs: '03-04, '04-05, '05-06, '06-07, '07-08. Game Winning Shot Opportunity = 24 seconds or less left in the game, team with the ball is either tied or down by 1 to 2 points.

Under this definition, the league leader is LeBron James. He is 17-50 (34%) while Vince Carter is second with 16 (31.4%), Ray Allen with 15 (38.5%), and Kobe Bryant with 14. Here is the shocker! Kobe is 14-56 for a shooting percentage of 25%. He has the most missed game winners in the league!

82 games also looks at clutch players. For these stats "Clutch" is defined as: 4th quarter or overtime, less than 5 minutes left, neither team ahead by more than 5 points.

The top 3 at the end of the 08-09 regular season? Kobe at 56.7 points/48 minutes, LeBron at 55.9 points/48 minutes, and Carmelo Anthony at 54.4 points/48 minutes. No suprise that these three are still playing. Yet how about these other numbers for LeBron per 48 minutes in clutch time? 14.3 rebounds, 12.6 assists, and 3.5 steals. He just takes over the game in all aspects.

So who do you take? Hard to argue with this:

The Hometown Nine: A Diagnosis

There is something about baseball that lures me in with its sweet tenderness each spring. I am not sure if it is because it was the first sport I loved or maybe the way the Kingdome tiles tantalized me with their ever-so-constant threat of falling. Either way I love baseball season and inevitably find myself watching almost every game if I can (meaning if my wife allows me).

This season has been frustrating, shocking, surprising, and disappointing all in one. When Jack Z and Don Wakamatsu took over the reigns this winter, I gained a great deal of hope. I believe in these two guys and their philosophy. They preach small ball, defense, pitch selection, and playing smart. They believe in building a great farm system and not overpaying for crappy players (like Bavasi did for the past however many years). Jack Z was honored in 2007 as Baseball America’s Executive of the Year after building an infield consisting of all Brewer draft picks (Fielder, Weeks, Hardy, and superstud Ryan Braun). Yet with ridiculous contracts still on the books for Jarrod Washburn, Miguel Batista, and Carlos Silva, we all knew it would take some time. So when the Mariners started the season 15-10, it was a pleasant surprise to say the least.

Now the Mariners sit at 19-22. So where do they stand? Let’s take a look.

The Good
Russell Branyan - .305, 10 HR, 20 RBI, 1.004 OPS all for $1.4 million on a one year deal. The no risk, all reward signing is proving to be great thus far.

Ichiro - .318, 4 HR, 13 RBI. Despite the fact that he refuses to dive, he still gets hits by either slapping it to left or hitting it off the plate. Also his UZR (Ultimate Zone Rating) is 3.8, meaning he records that many more outs than the average fielder.

Franklin Gutierrez - .258, 3 HR, 17 RBI. Clearly not very good numbers. Yet his defense in centerfield is awesome and most fans wouldn’t even know it. His UZR is 5.7. Not to mention he costs $440,000 and is under club control for another three seasons.

Mike Sweeney - .246, 2 HR, 9 RBI. Not his numbers but his levity and leadership have helped. I don’t think he is the reason they win or lose, but I do think he helps the team be in the right mindset when things go poorly. Of course they have lost 12 out of 16 so not sure this matters much.

Jarrod Washburn – it probably won’t last, but it seems hard to get upset over these numbers. 3-3 with a 3.86 ERA.

Much of the Bullpen – David Aardsma is now the closer with 1.37 ERA and 9.15 K/9 IP. Mark Lowe is hitting 99 consistently on the gun. Shawn Kelley was great before he got hurt. Even Miguel Batista has been good.

The Bad
A lot.

Adrian Beltre - .200, 2 HR, 15 RBI, .231 OBP. Pathetic at the plate right now.

Yuniesky Betancourt – numbers are fine. He sees no pitches, hacks at everything, and makes untimely errors. And he is fat.

Jose Lopez - .224, 3 HR, 19 RBI. Looks lost.

Felix Hernandez – only dominant randomly. 4.14 ERA. 4-3 record. He is 0-3 with a 6.75 ERA in May. He really only looked good one time. He is getting lit up.

Erik Bedard – he has been great, but he randomly gets hurt all the time.

Carlos Silva – worst pitcher ever.

Brandon Morrow – oh I have diabetes, I want to be a reliever. Oh I suck at closing, I like to give up home runs. I think I will just be a middle reliever who used to be the #5 pick overall when my team could have drafted Tim Fricking Lincecum.

So What Can One Look Forward To?
The Mariners, despite having maybe the least potent offense the side of Oakland (SNAP!), are still in the race with a sub .500 record. Felix should rebound at some point. Ryan Rowland Smith should be back in under a week and a half. Silva is hurt so we don’t have to watch him. Chris Jakabauskas and Jason Vargas are actually pitching well for now. And the Tacoma Rainiers are slowly building the most power ever assembled by a AAA team that doesn’t have any players who will play in the majors.

Oh and remember that Ichiro may just say something like he did on June 11, 2007:

"To tell the truth, I'm not excited to go to Cleveland, but we have to," Ichiro said through an interpreter. "If I ever saw myself saying I'm excited going to Cleveland, I'd punch myself in the face, because I'm lying."

Why Would I Return?

Or maybe more appropriately….why would you care?

I can answer the former, but probably not the latter. I am not sure why you would care and by you I mean the four of you who read this.

My return to writing about sports involves a variety of reasons. First, it is extremely therapeutic for me. It allows me to get out all the frustrations that boil inside of me on a daily basis involving my favorite sports teams. Second, I often times wish I could write about sports, but not really in the formatted newspaper format. I like breaking down stats more and injecting my opinion. Thricely (is that a word?), Seattle sports have finally, at last, after a year of disappointment….given me hope again.

It has been documented in many places how horrible the Seattle sports scene was last year but….

Washington Huskies football 0-12
Seattle Seahawks 4-12
Seattle Mariners 61-101
Washington Huskies basketball 16-17
Seattle Sonics 0-infinity

No postseason.

No glory.

No joy.

No NBA team in town anymore.

What an absolutely horrific year.

Then the joy started to return.

It began with the Husky basketball team achieving new found heights with a Pac-10 championship. Then the Mariners made some very smart personnel decisions with Don Wakamatsu as manager and Jack Zduriencik as General Manager. They quickly changed the direction of the Seattle Mariners. It isn’t likely that the team will be very good any time soon, but they are headed in the right direction for the first time in awhile.

The Husky football team got a new leader from the conference’s best in Steve Sarkisian. He already has nine commits for next year’s class, including 4 out of the top 5 from the state of Washington. And the Hawks signed WR TJ Housmanzadeh, DT Colin Cole, CB Ken Lucas, traded for DE Cory Redding, resigned LeRoy Hill and drafted a stud in Aaron Curry. Hope!

Of course with the Oklahoma City Thunder potentially drafted Spanish stud Ricky Rubio, they could be building a fantastic nucleus with Jeff Green, Russell Westbrook, and Kevin Durant but Clay Bennett decided he would rather stab me in the eye with his rich stubby fingers.

I guess not everything is well, but it is a start.