Almost Famous (Part Three)

For previous exchanges and explanation, please scroll down.

Joe:

I'm writing this while watching 'White Man Can't Jump', which requires me to address a few things before I answer your question. First: It's a great movie, with B+-to-A- basketball competency, but what's with the two ridiculous 360 layups in the first 15 minutes? Who does 360 layups? Second: Why is Kadeem Harrison, who steals the opening scene with his oversized Jordan jersey and bottomless mama jokes, so under used throughout the rest of the movie? He should be at every game played. No exceptions. Third: Did you know Ron Shelton is directing a'Game of Shadows' movie? Who do you think will play Barry Bonds? There are really only two criteria: Must be black, and must be able to put on 100 pounds of muscle over three weeks of shooting. Alternative: Omar Epps as Barry circa 1993, and Michael Clarke Duncan as Barry circa 2001. I'd watch that. I'd definitely watch that.

Your response to my last question, and your GM question, were interesting: You seem to look at things in a more positive, how-can-I-contribute manner. Me? I'm looking for the sport that, by its nature, I would be least able to screw up. As a player, I'd have to say baseball. But I'm not thinking that I would contribute at all. I just think if you stuck me in right field for the Red Sox, while we would definitely suck, we could still win some games, even if I went 0-for-the-season. We could score runs in innings I wasn't up, our pitcher could throw a shutout -- we could win. Football, basketball, soccer -- I'm pretty sure if you stuck me on any team in any of those leagues, we would lose every game, or close to it. The parts are just too integral in those games. Too easy to pick on the weak link.

As a GM, I'd go with numbers again and pick basketball. Odd, because I probably know the least about it. But there are so few parts, it seems like the simplest formula to figure out. You need a star, one or two more all-stars that compliment the star and a bunch of great role players. You need a coach that the players don't hate, who can make some adjustments on the fly, and who can get his guys to play team defense. And you need a lot of luck.

Obviously it's a lot harder than that, but I think it'd take less time to figure out than the rest. Honestly? Call it Sports Guy Syndrome, but I think if you gave me five years I could be as good as whoever the hell's run the Warriors into the ground over the last 20 years.

I'd ask you the same thing, but if you didn't answer basketball we'd all know you were just mixing it up for mixing-it-up's sake. So: We'll flip it a bit: You win the megamillions tomorrow, $320 million. The only catch: You have to buy an existing major sports team. And not any team: A team that needs a new owner, that's in the bottom half of its league and needs a new direction. Taking into consideration all factors -- including fan base, having to live in the city, current roster, etc. -- what team do you buy, and what do you do to turn it around?

One more exception: You can't pick the Seahawks or the Mariners. You have to take up residence in a new city.

Go.

Brian:

First and foremost, I think you have and always will like "White Men Can't Jump" much more than the average person. Even more than the average sports fan. The movie to me fits in the realm of most basketball movies where the game action is sub-par. Now this film doesn't hit the lows of Coach Carter or some others, but it doesn't reach the high of Hoosiers. That movie can't be touched in my eyes. Although I would give special mention to Marques Johnson's role in White Men Can't Jump for when he goes to his car and gets the gun to shoot them. Also, that reminds me...Above the Rim is underrated for the 2Pac factor (along with the razor blade he keeps in his bottom lip). Ok, apparently I am feeling a bit violent today.

Game of Shadows seems like a movie I will never watch no matter who plays Barry Bonds. I think a better film would be a documentary following Ichiro. He wears the weirdest clothes and says the most awesome things such as (aside from the genius Cleveland quote):

On speeding up the game: "Yesterday when I played, inside my head I said 'I want to go home quickly,' and I swung and I was able to get a hit because I wanted to go home. Today I thought, 'I want to hurry up and get something to eat,' and I swung and got a hit today."

Explaining why he missed catching a fly ball: "The ball became the same color as the sky. So, I wasn't able to see it ... I was sending mental signals for the ball not to come my way, because during that time of day it's impossible for me to see the ball so I lacked mental signals. I lacked in that area. Usually, I don't send mental signals. So, because this is the first time, I thought, please don't come my way."

On great athletes: "Tiger is a great golfer, but ... when you say athlete, I think of Carl Lewis. When you talk about (golfers or race-car drivers), I don't want to see them run. It's the same if you were to meet a beautiful girl and go bowling. If she's an ugly bowler, you are going to be disappointed."

For a complete list, visit http://100percentinjuryrate.blogspot.com/2007/06/existential-angst-of-ichiro-suzuki.html

Oh and you would cost your team a lot of runs if you played outfield. You don't think 2-4 hitters per team could try to hit toward you. Do you think you could track a line drive? And would your legs move fast enough?

It is funny that you think if I don't pick basketball that I am just trying to spice things up. While I coach, I really would have no desire to be a GM of a NBA team. My first love has always been baseball and to me, it is the sport where a GM has the biggest impact. The NBA is too dependent on factors out of your control such as the lottery (frozen envelopes, LeBron preferences, luck), location, and salary cap. For example, the Kings are atrocious. In the time that Spencer Hawes has been there (2 years now), they will be moving on to their fourth coach. They needed Blake Griffin or Ricky Rubio. They won't get either with the #4 pick. Also, who is going to Sacramento as a free agent? The only reason would be for the Maloof connection. It is the same reason why the entire city of Cleveland is kissing LeBron's ass right now. They are deathly afraid he will leave for a city where people actually want to keep living. And it is so hard to trade. Plus no minor league for development. The NBDL does not fit that description.

So I would much rather be a GM of a baseball team. You can absolutely change the entire franchise around and do it with limited funds if you are smart. Look at Oakland for the early 2000s, Tampa Bay last year, and Florida twice. Limited budget, good trades, and awesome farm system.

This leads me to your question. With $320 million I could buy exactly zero NFL teams. The cheapest NFL team according to Forbes is the Minnesota Vikings at $839 million and then you would be living in fricking Minnesota. Oakland is second and we all know there is no way I am living in Oakland. There are eleven NBA teams that fit, but the best options are probably Portland ($307 million), Clippers ($297 million), New Orleans ($285 million) and Indiana ($303 million). Who cares about Indiana? New Orleans is a mess due to Katrina (thanks to Bush). Portland - Allen isn't selling. Clippers - Sterling doesn't seem to care that they suck so he isn't selling.

That leaves us with MLS. Just kidding. You could buy almost the entire league for that amount, but who would want to? They all lose money and you own a MLS team. Great.

Tampa Bay, Oakland, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, and Florida fit the bill for baseball. Florida, TB, and Oakland all have serious stadium issues. Plus Tampa Bay recently was sold. Kansas City is interesting but I am not living there. So my choice is the Pittsburgh Pirates. I know, weird. Yet they have a passionate fan base who is consumed with the Steelers. There is room for another team to root for especially since they play at different times of the year. Yet the Pirates lost for so many years since the Van Slyke, Bonds, and Bonilla era. The Pirates are valued at $288 million and the current owner bought them for $93 million. He would sell to make money off the deal. I would still have about $32 million to live with so no big deal.

They recently hired Neil Hunington as General Manager and I am not sure about him yet. I may let him keep his job for now. I would up the payroll a bit, but they have a newer stadium which looks awesome. Their uniforms are phenomenal and there is a ton of history in Pennsylvania. I would teach and just have a T.A. to grade.

Their major league talent is young or signed for a few years like Nate McClouth, Nyjer Morgan, Ryan Doumit, and Paul Maholm. Craig Hansen will be a good closer soon I believe. Plus they aren't as bad of hitters as the Mariners. The M's have four players with an OPS over .700. The Pirates have 11. Not to mention 4-5 pretty decent prospects in the minors. They need way more depth, but that is why Huntington would be on a short leash. Andrew McCutchen is an AAA outfielder who is hitting .293 with 3 homers and 18 RBI (.841 OPS), along with 10 steals. 3B Pedro Alvarez was a top 5 pick last year and has nine homers in his first full season at A. A couple other pitchers are doing well in their top 10 prospects that I won't bore you with.

Fan support waiting for a winner. Good stadium. Tradition. Can't get much better. I pick the Pirates.

Switching gears, but staying with the Pirates and baseball. Of the following scandalous folks, A-Rod, Pete Rose, Barry Bonds, Jason Giambi, Manny Ramirez, and Roger Clemens, who belongs in the Hall of Fame? Taking into account stats, regular criteria and gambling/putting needles in your bum or having someone else do it for you at the Sky Dome.