Almost Famous

After conversing with professional journalist and amateur midget Joe Tone, I came up with a good idea. Bill Simmons exchanges emails with author Malcolm Gladwell and posts it on ESPN.com, mostly because Simmons used to be really funny and Gladwell writes phenomenal books and has even more phenomenal hair. Since Joe is an author of some sort and I am a Sports Guy of some sort, I figured my blog is a perfect place for the Almost Famous version of this type of exchange. Thus from now until whenever we choose to stop, Joe and I will be exchanging emails and posting them here on anything and everything we choose to discuss.

The first question posed to Joe by me was: Which city is a better sports town, Cleveland or Denver? (In case you don't know, Joe recently wrote for a fake newspaper in Cleveland and currently writes for another fake paper in Denver).

Joe:
This was actually fun. You didn't ask, but both Cleveland and Denver are way better sports towns than the Bay Area, as sad as that is.

Cleveland and Denver, as sports towns and cities in general, are actually quite similar. Denver's like a bigger, better dressed, tanner, skinnier, and slightly less clinically depressed version of Cleveland. Both towns are pretty drunk; Denver was actually voted the drunkest city in the country by Men's Health, but that's because Cleveland got hammered and forgot to fill out the form. There's better weed in Denver, if you're into that sort of thing. Cleveland has more water, a lake and a river, but the river caught on fire and the lake is frozen for about 10 months a year. Denver has Red Rocks and about 47 times more jobs. So there's that.

As sports towns, both have teams in the “big three” sports, which has to be pretty depressing for you. (My apologies, by the way. I actually interviewed David Stern once, and have his phone number if you want to start leaving him harassing messages. No jury in the land would convict). But as volume goes, Denver's got Cleveland beat: This city's got like 47 pro teams, including hockey, MLS, rugby, two lacrosse teams – seriously – and even a lingerie football team.

As quality goes, it feels like a wash. The Nuggets and Cavs are both outstanding and anchored by young, exciting players who have both been dicks to me. The Rockies and Indians should probably be disbanded. The Broncos and Browns are both going to suck colossally, their suckitude magnified by their young, inexplicably cocky coaches. I'm pretty sure the Avs are woeful, but honestly, they could win a Stanley Cup title and I wouldn't notice. I'll pay attention to hockey when they don't have a team in Tennessee.

Both cities have great stadiums, actually. Denver probably gets the edge here because 1) the baseball stadium has buffalo dogs and a purple row of seats that's a mile high; the football stadium wasn't built on a lake that tends to produce gusts of frozen wind; and unlike Cleveland, the stadiums in Denver were were not, as far as I know, built entirely on the public dime by a mayor who was later found by FBI to be accepting bribes from more or less everyone involved in the stadium projects. But because Cleveland is shrinking like coked-up starlet, their games are much more accessible: parking, tickets, transportation, it's just easier to find yourself at a game in Cleveland.

Here's what it comes down to: The fans. Cleveland's are drunker, louder, more emotional. Not by much, but they are. (Especially in basketball and baseball). As a non-native, that emotion – and the history they have with their teams – makes rooting for Cleveland's teams feel a little more natural, and more fun, than rooting for Denver's. But again, not by much.

Wow, that was long and totally useless to anyone reading your blog, since it's highly unlikely any of your friends are wavering between moving to Cleveland or Denver. (If they are, they should ignore this and move to Denver). We should really change the subject. I'll give you two choices. You can answer either, both, or neither:

1. As you know, all the way through college, baseball was my favorite sport. I watched or listened to every Giants game, studied it like it was my major. But after I moved to Cleveland, while I gravitated toward Browns football and Cavs hoops, my relationship with baseball literally just stopped. Why?

2. This might be too painful, but: How has the Sonics' departure changed your relationship with the NBA?

Alright, go. I'm really depressed by the fact that I do this for a living and yet you're favored to outfunny me by 14.5 jokes.

Brian:

Clearly you are not aware that the "big three" have changed. The MLS has taken over for the NBA. Who would you rather watch, Fredy Montero or LeBron James? Of course we all know the answer. This will lead me to my answer to one of your questions later.

How does a river catch on fire by the way? That is amazing. Cleveland should win right there. Also, LeBron making fun of you seems so much cooler than Carmelo making fun of you. In fact, you could probably punch Carmelo in his face and he would start crying. LeBron would just buy your pride, make it into a puppet called Sad FakeJew (for help understanding, visit http://www.brandspankingjew.com/) and then have Kobe's puppet make fun of you just for giggles.

Agreed on the hockey. I think as long as Tampa Bay, Carolina, Florida, Atlanta, Anaheim, Nashville, and Phoenix have hockey teams, I will not watch. Then when they eliminate all those teams, I still won't watch. Unless Seattle gets a team, then I will probably get season tickets and advocate the return of the glowing puck. Why is Men's Health voting on drunk cities? Shouldn't they be voting on which cities read Men's Health so they can figure out where all the men with low self esteem live? Now on to the two questions.

It is quite disturbing that you seem as if you don't care about baseball anymore. But I have the answer for you. It is complex, so it might take you seven or eight reads to understand. I mean it did take you about a year to realize that Jen Kanne really was going to stay with the handsome ex-Stanford basketball player and not return to you (no offense).

First, you get distracted easily. I remember times in college where you would go get Bacon and Cheddar Potato Wedges rather than watch the Giants. Or play wiffleball (which is actually defendable and justifiable, especially considering you played in the juiced era where midgets like you and Brady Anderson could hit massive bombs off stud pitchers who were playing clean like me). Or do whatever it was that Stacey used to do. Dharma and Greg ring a bell? Jesus.

Second, your team is awful. I just watched the Giants play for three games in Seattle and my god, they are actually worse than the Mariners. The Giants website actually says, "Vote Bengie, Vote Giants". Bengie Molina is the best offensive player and bats clean up. That is atrocious. Tim Lincecum is obviously a stud, but his arm is going to fall of in the next 7-9 months. The Giants still owe Barry Zito $158 trillion and they feature such studs as Bob Howry, Rich Aurilia, and Juan Uribe (who is listed at 230 pounds, but must be pushing 350) to name a few. That makes the Giants irrelevant to those who live in the Bay Area. You live in Denver and you are a journalist, meaning no MLB extra innings package and no reason to watch the Giants. So some of your abandonment is natural.

In terms of your question about the NBA.....the NBA can eat poop.

I am watching the NBA playoffs and probably will for the rest of my life, but I watched almost no regular season action. I used to watch almost every Sonic game if it didn't conflict with my own coaching. Even with the horrid product put on the floor the past few seasons, I watched. And I was excited for the Kevin Durant era. When the Sonics left (despite my father and I, along with Spencer Hawes, joining thousands at a public rally outside the courthouse), I lost interest. I tried to root for the Blazers as both Brandon Roy and Martell Webster are there, but it didn't work. It wasn't natural and I didn't care.

But the weirdest part is how it doesn't really effect me that much. I like college basketball better and I really don't have any sadness or anger about the NBA being gone. Maybe it is because the Sonics were so bad for the last few years. Maybe it is because there is so much isolation and lack of energy in the game itself. Maybe it is because the Thunder are still irrelevant. I don't know, but it surprises me.

Not sure if any of that leads you in any direction, but thinking of not being able to go to NBA games anymore, I came up with this: What is your favorite sports moment you witnessed in person?