Wiffleball Scouting Reports

With the 2007 Major League Baseball draft only days away, it would make perfect sense to break down the early picks and look at their scouting reports. Except no one really cares. Yet everyone cares about the annual Wiffleball "Mike says his shoulder hurts" Showdown at Nancy Ryles Elementary School.

With this historic occurance only one month and twenty-four days away, it is time to look at the scouting reports on the potential players.

Player Name: Adam Nakatani Street
Position: SD
Height: 6'3"
Bats: Right
Throws: Worse

Physical Description: Big, right-hander with upper cut swing.

Pitching

Fastball: Straight and easy to hit

FB Movement: Sometimes can't hit the lawn chair, making him frustrated.
Slider: Has no idea how to throw one.

Changeup: Lob pitch when trying to get a strike.

Control: Inconsistent. When missing, likes to pitch to contact meaning lots of runs.

Poise: Usually more worried about the barbecue and/or Nike stuff, so remains fairly poised during wiffleball. Can get frustrated by lack of being good.

Hitting

Contact: Not a worry to him.

Power: When he connects, the ball flies. Definitely swings for the fences.

Overall: Hit or miss. Very Sosa-esque. White Michael Jackson spot can be distracting to pitchers.

Medical Update: Can beat me up.

Strengths: Power swing, indifference toward the game

Weaknesses: Pitching, strikes out, giant toes

Summary: Good overall player who hits homers in bunches. Also has a nice car and sweet house, making him more valuable than usual.

Player Name: David John Dunch

Position: Frustrated by Ravi
Height: 5'11"

Bats: Right

Throws: Right

Physical Description: Apparently Italian although I swear Latino

Pitching
Fastball: Better pace when he gets pissed off

FB Movement: Good movement low and outside when hitting his spots.

Curve: Nice offspeed change of pace. Can get raked when he hangs it.

Slider: Good break, likes to toy with different grips.

Changeup: Takes pride in the circle change despite its ineffectivenes to awesome players like me.
Control: Good usually. Once he starts walking people, he throws meat balls down the middle.

Poise: Good in innings 1-3. Starts to get frustrated by walks and/or strikeouts and/or singles. If he walks people and doesn't hit homers, he will get visibly perturbed in innings 4-6. By inning 8, Ravi will have broken him down due to dancing, one-handed swinging, walks, and Ravi-type theatrics soon to be determined.

Hitting

Contact: Good contact hitter, will foul off pitches.

Power: Better in college, losing some of the power ala Raul Ibanez. Good when he doesn't try.

Overall: Over the course of 7-8 years, the most consistent hitter of the group.

Medical Update: Can also beat me up, but really worries about sun taning during games.
Strengths: Fielding, contact swing, length of shorts
Weaknesses: Ravi

Summary: An early pick, good overall skills. If Ravi wasn't involved would consistently be a MVP candidate.

Player Name: Ravi Sankaran

Position: Indian Chris Farley

Height: 5'9"

Bats: Terribly

Throws: Surprisingly Worse

Physical Description: Uh, Indian Chris Farley. Enough said.

Pitching
Fastball: Not fast, easy to hit. Probably a palmball is more correct. If not careful, will hit you in the face or back with some speed though.

FB Movement: None

Slider: Doesn't think it exists.
Changeup: Even slower (amazingly) and tails off before reaching the plate.
Control: None.

Poise: No issue here. Probably the most poised terrible pitcher I have ever seen. Enjoys wiffleball despite a career ERA approaching 34.00.

Hitting

Contact: Much better with one hand.
Power: Suprisingly. He will absolutely mash the ball out of no where at times. Cannot be predicted.
Overall: Good hitter. He will not swing at your pitches, you must give him something he likes. Very streaky. Can hit with pop.

Medical Update: Giver.
Strengths: Mind control.
Weaknesses: The actual game.

Summary: A glue guy. Cannot be stopped once he gets in your head. Must remain calm when opposing him or playing with him.

Player Name: Drew MacGuire Milam

Position: Whiner

Height: 6'3"

Bats: Right

Throws: Lobs

Physical Description: Big, right-hander with no velocity.

Pitching
Fastball: Doesn't believe in it.
Slider: Nope.

Curve: Nope.

Changeup: Yes, very slow and lobbed to the plate.

Control: No worries. Read changeup line again.

Poise: Starts out fine, but gets pretty pissed off after double digit inning.

Hitting

Contact: All or nothing.

Power: When he connects, the ball dies in the outfield.

Overall: Usually upset at everyone, thus swings at pitches in the dirt or at his eyes.

Medical Update: Bigger than me.

Strengths: Intramural sports such as football and bowling
Weaknesses: Wiffleball

Summary: Probably will not play after reading this.

Player Name: Joe P. Tone

Position: Left Out

Height: 4'3"

Bats: Right

Throws: Angry
Physical Description: Midget.

Pitching
Fastball: Throws as hard as he can, as if angry at the world for calling him short and insignificant.

FB Movement: Hard to see since he usually throws from two feet closer than anyone else.

Slider: Throws some nasty stuff when mad.
Changeup: Doesn't like it.
Control: Inconsistent. When missing, throws harder. Sometimes it is better to just take.
Poise: Awful. Ravi can completely take him out of the game. Also, college days were scarred by a woman wearing Winnie the Pooh overalls. No one knows how that effects him now.

Hitting

Contact: Doesn't care.

Power: All he cares about. Hitting the ball as far as possible as if to prove he actually is above five feet tall.

Overall: Good hitter, but has been out of the game for years.

Medical Update: Can't beat me up, but would try.
Strengths: Anger toward everyone. Throwing hard.

Weaknesses: Ravi again, height

Summary: Good overall player who plays angry thus ruining the game for everyone involved.

Player Name: Dick Michael Rasay

Position: Complaining

Height: 6'1"

Bats: Both

Throws: Both

Physical Description: Unbelievably fit Hawaiian with red mark on cheek

Pitching
Fastball: Easy and slow

FB Movement: Better left handed tailing into righties

Slider: Wouldn't know about that.
Changeup: When arms starts to hurt (or so he says), ball gets slower and even easier to hit

Control: Inconsistent. When missing, likes to complain about arm pain.
Poise: Usually ok with own limitations, but loses all poise once fake arm injury occurs.

Hitting

Contact: Head flies, lots of whiffs.
Power: When he connects, the ball flies. Nice uppercut.

Overall: No Benny Agbayani.

Medical Update: Can beat me up, but wouldn't as he loves me too much.
Strengths: Athleticism, love of Gatorade thus staying hydrated

Weaknesses: Even bigger toes, fake arm injuries

Summary: Anyone who fakes arm injuries year after year can't be that good.

Player Name: Brian Michael Elsner

Position: Receiving Apparently

Height: 5'9"

Bats: Right

Throws: Right On Target
Physical Description: Chubby, bald, hairy

Pitching
Fastball: Deadly accurate, sometimes not enough movement

FB Movement: Varies, but can be very straight and taken yard.

Curve: Throws different versions, mostly keeping hitters off balance.

Slider: Best out pitch, painting the corners.
Changeup: Can get hammered or absolutely fool people.

Control: Ridiculously good to a fault.
Poise: Gone once someone scores. Takes pride in ability to pitch in wiffleball games. Feels like he is worth nothing to society once the other team scores off him. College days were riddled with mental issues due evil woman.

Hitting

Contact: Ok depending on the year.

Power: Apparently did HGH last year as he cranked homer after homer. Usually not a concern to opponents.

Overall: Can be deadly or awful. Depends on the fragile mental make up of the player each year.

Medical Update: Diarrhea a concern.

Strengths: Control pitching

Weaknesses: General mental state, Hawaiian food

Summary: If healthy, very productive. If pooping every five minutes, not so much.