A Day With Ravi and Me...Reader Beware

9:10 JaMarcus Russell just went #1 and Commissioner Goodell's first pick ever just sat on the phone. Apparently he does not care about the commish. Oh and I think he looks like The Game. But Ravi just thinks I am racist. I hope I am not.

9:26 Calvin Johnson just went #2. Awesome. Steve Young is currently kissing his ass. Mel Kiper says he is one of the highest players he has ever graded. Jeez. The Lions should keep him.

Uh and the highlights of C-Joh are ridiculous, especially when he makes the white guy fall down. Ravi says he is a genuine good guy because he said thank you to people.

Stupid Steve Spurrier. "Yeah I told you he could really go. Yeah click clack". And he hangs up the phone. Who says click clack and hangs up?

Oh yes, I am in Portland watching the draft with Ravi. In the basement as mommy and daddy live here now. Yes, just like high school. Red Bull in hand. Ready to go.

9:37 Brady Quinn's girlfriend. Hmmm. Pretty sure he will upgrade by mini camp. Also can he stop drinking water and looking nervous. Relax Brady. No one likes you.

9:41 Now Brady looks pissed/nervous as Joe Thomas goes #3. This also marks the first of many dollars that I will win from Ravi as we predict the picks right before they are announced. Apparently Ravi loves Brady Quinn so he picked him.

Waiting for the Joe Thomas/fisherman interview on the boat as Ravi watches Thomas squash defensive players and cackles loudly.

9:50 Luis calls and yells about Matt Millen, calling him an idiot. I tell him that just because the Lions had bad WR picks in the past shouldn't make them pass on Johnson this year. Luis agrees, but says that the Lions have nobody to throw to them. I say Brady Quinn will not be a good pro. Luis says, "Me either and I don't think Russell will be good either." So who do they pick then Law School boy? Jeez, you'd think he'd be smarter.

9:54 Gaines Adams goes #4. Ravi and I agree although Ravi just said "that tie doesn't pop". What does that mean?

Chris Berman said something about when offensive players play against him, they don't Gaines Adams. Huh?

9:57 This is Ravi now folks. The tie just looked stupid, it didn't pop. He needed a different tie. Boomer said he would be No Gaines Adams. Second time today

10:03 Levi Brown goes #5 to Arizona. Brady Quinn looks so dejected. It is awesome. Now they are talking about how the Cardinals can make a move in the NFC West. Eat it Steve Young. Eat it. Hawks forever!!!! Luis and I just got season tickets.

Reunited and it feels so good. Peaches and Herb. Luis and Brian.

Levi is huge. No one really cares about much. Oh and Rich Eisen asked the commissioner early this morning if they could bring back the helmet phones. Goodell said he would get right on that. Hilarious.

Now Ravi is talking to David Dunch about Brady Quinn. Dave loves him. We hate him. There is debate on the girl next to Quinn whether it is a sister or not. Since the girl hasn't been shown the last couple times, my guess is that Quinn already traded up. Or more likely she dumped him as he plummets down the draft board. Yes.

10:13 Apparently LaRon Landry is going #6. Wow. Landry and Sean Taylor. Nice safety combo.

By the way, Landry is not in New York. He apparently is at his pimp's house. Did you see those couches? They are like orange velour swirls. And his awkward white agent guy next to him is pumping his fist. Landry is excited although he is wearing a hat, nice shirt untucked, tie, and jeans. I think that is why he isn't in New York.

Ravi says he leads the mockery now. He will be 6 for 6. This will be my first miss.

Berman is talking nonsense.

10:17 The only white person in the room with Landry is his agent. And he is still awkward. Really awkward.

Adrian Peterson looks worried. I think he is wondering how he will pay off his watch. Have you seen that thing? Let me just say that it is ridiculous.

Quinn looks strange still with his girl and his mom maybe. Hopefully.

Now Tom Condon, Quinn and Peterson's agent is talking about how weird it is that both have not been drafted yet.

Yeah weird for you buddy. At least he doesn't look as awkward as the other guy with Landry. By the way, why does awkward look so awkward when you type it?

10:23 Ravi again. Click Clack is on again. Maybe the 17,2345th time. Brian raises his fists in anger. Oh god, it was just on three seconds ago and it's on again. Anybody not want to buy Under Armour now? I don't. Plus it's inferior product. Nike for life.

Brian just breezed past me leading the Mockery. I AM DOMINATING. Brian wasn't even going to pick Levi Brown at #5.

Ravi Out.

10:35 Ravi in. Brian just said that Dr. Quinn Medicine Women just touched the blond girl in a way that proves she's not his sister, unless of course she is his Alabama sister.

Hilarious.

We just saw a new girl next to Quinny. Apparently Blond girl was scaring people.

First theory on the draft. JaMarcus Russell wore all black cause he knew he would be a Raider.

10:40 First real big shocker of the day. Falcons and former Louisville Coach Bobby Petrino pass on Christian Okoye's little brother to take Jamaal Anderson of Arkansas. Michael Smith called it on ESPN. Apparently we should listen to him.

No one is talking about Anderson. They just keep talking about stupid Quinn. And the dog killer Mike Vick. So let's think about Vick.

Alias known as Ron Mexico as he gave a girl herpes. Smuggled weed in a water bottle. Tried to kill 30 dogs. And can't throw anything but a deep chuck and a 15 yard pass over the middle to Crumpler. Yeah, build a team around him. Not to mention his brother did all kinds of bad stuff and got kicked out of Virginia Tech.

CLICK CLACK.

WTF. Nike gets some advertising dollars in here or something.

Dolphins are up. Quinn has gotta go now. Holy mackarel. They just showed the hottest girl ever to attend the NFL draft wearing a Quinn jersey. We have a candidate to trade up to. Quinn get out there!

10:51 There is a buzz in the building. And by building, I mean Ravi's house.

Unbelievable. Ted Ginn Jr. goes #9 to Miami. Mel Kiper is yelling at the camera and he just said "You gotta be kidding me".

Quinn looks like he is going to cry. It is awesome. So awesome. He is throwing his hands up and stuff.

Houston is up. Do they take Quinn? The intrigue. The suspense.

So Miami apparently believes in Daunte Culpepper. So crazy. Mel is so mad still. He is now yelling at Keyshawn Johnson. No one agrees with this pick.

Dave Dunch calls. He is pumped for the 49ers to have a myriad of defensive players to choose from. Bad for the Hawks. Tony Kornheiser just called Quinn a car wreck as in you want to look away as he sits and waits.

I want to watch. Apparently I am sick and disgusting.

11:05 Okoye just went to Houston. Bookend DEs now with Super Mario. And by Super Mario, I mean Super Busto. OH SNAP.

Okoye's friends and family have the same t-shirts on and are jumping around and loving him. Mel Kiper is now saying all the things wrong with him. Debbie Downer. Wah wah.

Really all you need to do is look this diagram to know whether Okoye will be good or not.

11:19 49ers draft Patrick Willis. Not hard to guess when Steve Young says "You can write this down in blood, the 49ers are taking Patrick Willis".

That is a little violent for a Mormon to say, don't you think?

Oh and Brady Quinn was escorted to the back room by the Commish. Ravi says it is weak sauce. I just imagine all the things he is saying to his ugly girlfriend. "Stop touching me, you are so yesterday!".

Mariucci is talking about crying on the NFL Network. That is why no one watches it.

CLICK CLACK. Son of a biscuit. Different network, same commercial. Just scrape my eyes out with a rusty spoon.

11:25 Ravi in. Brian just read that DJack is taking a physical in SF. Looks like it's goin to happen (rumor is a 4th round pick).

Marshawn to Buffalo. Brian says he loves the pick 7 times in a row.

Thought maybe Quinny would go here. Excellent. Wonder if he is crying? Like Adam Morrison. I bet he and Adam Morrison are best friends. Yeah.....bff's forever.

By the way, everyone knows that Charlie Weis is a good coach, but how about everyone stops jockin him until he does something in college football. Yeah, he got Jimmy Clausen, but win some big games already.

Ravi Out.

11:33 Marshawn Lynch is awesome. He dominated the Pac-10. Great pick by Buffalo, instead of stupid Quinn or some other guy like Carriker.

Ravi said BFF forever, which means Best Friends Forever....Forever. Awesome.

Charlie Weis 19-6 in two years with no Bowl wins. With all of Ty Willingham's players. Oooohhhh, so good. I hate you Charlie Weis.

Mike Tirico just talked about waiting for the restroom with the Commish. Did anyone hear about the ESPN book where Tirico always has sex in the copy room? Do you think he tried to do the Commish? I do.

11:40 Ravi in. Adam Carriker was just taken by St. Louis. I think it's a good pick.

For those of you that don't know, Brian and I did a mock draft before the draft started this morning ($10) and also do a pick-by-pick bet as well ($1 per pick). So far in our mockery, Brian has 5 out of 13, I have 7 out of 13 correct. Awesome. Brian is up on the pick-by-pick though (up a buck).

TRADE. Fans in Radio City Music Hall are goin crazy. That means Jet or Giants?

Jets just pushed up to the 14th spot. Traded with Carolina. I say maybe they want Olsen. Brian thinks Quinny. The analysts say a CB (Hall or Revis).

Jets traded a 1st, 2nd and 5th for 1st and a 6th.

Both Brian and I think it's way too much. Carolina is brillant.

Ravi Out.

11:52 JETS pick is up. Darrelle Revis goes. The Jets fans are happy. They are idiots. Ravi just said, "That is my stupid fault". Apparently Pittsburgh wanted Revis. The Jets traded up to go ahead of them. I thought they would take Leon Hall. Ravi said Greg Olsen.

CLICK CLACK. If there was a drinking game involved, I would be dead right now.

Seahawks are only 40 picks away! Let's go Hawks.

12:13 Pitt took Lawrence Timmons awhile ago. Nothing exciting about that. Although what happened to Buster Davis and Lorenzo Booker?

Mort is yelling at Steve Young. Absolutely yelling.

Packers took Justin Harrell. Keyshawn says "you gotta score points". Everyone seems to think they should have taken a WR except Kiper. Keyshawn and Steve Young are both Favre fans and think that the Packers are telling Favre to suck it. Mort is fuming. Awesome.

Jacksonville is up. This is very signifcant. As some of you may know, Ravi is a Jacksonville fan. I know, it makes a lot of sense. Also Ravi stated to me that if they draft Brady Quinn, he will no longer root for them. He will be a Seahawks fan. So let's all root for that.

Getting closer to the Seahawks pick. Time to drink. CLICK CLACK.

12:28 Jacksonville pulls a coup similar to the French peasants. They get Denver's #1 (4 picks later), 3rd round, and 6th round. Denver takes Jarvis Moss, a.k.a. The Freak Part Two. Can't they come up with a better nickname than that? Why not "The Rolling Moss" or "J-Mo the Psycho".

Ravi thinks the Jags could have got more for it. He is an idiot. Ravi also states that 6th round picks don't do much. Tell that to Marc Bulger, Matt Hasselbeck, and Tom Brady. I can't wait until the Jags take Quinn at #21. Awesome.

Anyway, Ravi can't complain. He is just like Louis XIV.

12:35 Cincy picks Leon Hall. Great pick. Did some research, I was off by two Louis.

12:36 Ravi in. Yeah, it was Louis XVI.....ass. Leon Hall, great pick that just fell to the Bengals. Tenn was pretty much taking Ted Ginn Jr. since the Superbowl. They may have liked Leon Hall, but maybe they take Robert Meachem?

Just showed hot girl in stands again. Fantastic.

I have liked the combo of Steve Young, Keyshawn, Mort, Mel and Boomer today. Sad that they got rid of Michael Irvin though. Anyone know why? I don't. I thought that he was money in the bank, drew in those dollars like the flickering light of an incandescant odorless oil fire lamp to fire flies.

Ravi out.

12:48 Tennesse takes Michael Griffin, safety from Texas. Kiper compared him to Ronnie Lott. Uh, why wouldn't you take him then? Ravi and I both thought Meachem.

Ravi is now pissed because the Titans WR depth chart looks awful. Steve Young doesn't like defense at all.

We are only 35 picks away from the Seahawks. The Seahawks fans on message boards are calling for Michael Bush at #55. That might be a good pick.

With thirteen picks left in the 1st round, how many teams would draft a QB? We say Kansas City, Jacksonville, Baltimore, and Chicago. QUINN TO THE JAGS!!!!

Oh and Ravi meant renounce the Jags. Not just stop rooting. Much stronger. Suzi Colber just said, "Quinn has been sequestered to the back". Going on the Revolution theme, nice Suz.

12:57 Giants pick. Aaron Ross picked. The crazy Giants fans are happy.

Texas guys going like crazy now out of no where. Joe Staley dropping like a glass of milk when you see your mom walk into the kitchen naked. Shield your eyes.

What?

12:57:01 Ravi in. Why does it sound like you have been through this experience?

Ravi out.

1:05 Ravi in. Good movement by Jaxs. Got the guy they wanted (Reggie Nelson) and more picks (although I thought they could get more). I was hoping Cleveland or Detroit was on the phone trying to move up and giving up everything for Quinny, but I like Nelson nonetheless.

Rumor has it that Carrie Underwood is dating Tony Romo. Lucky Tony Romo, but if Dallas picks Dr. Quinn Medicine Women right now, does she dump Romo for Quinny?

Just heard that Ed Werder texts Romo about Quinny. Why did Romo give Ed Werder his number? Weird. Pretty sure we will be hearing about Ed Werder going to jail for hiding in bushes outside Tony Romo's house in the next few weeks.

Ravi out.

1:17 The Browns move up and grab Quinn at #22. Wow. This may end up being great for Cleveland despite the fact that I hate the Medicine Woman.

Side note: I think the Medicine Woman is so hot.

So the Browns now have Quinn and Joe Thomas on Day 1. I wonder what they had to give up. Too bad Lil' Romeo is their coach.

Did you hear Lil' Romeo verballed to play basketball at USC? What is USC doing? With Lil' Romeo and OJ Mayo, we need a reality show. Call it "Pass the Mayo" or "Romeo with a side of Mayo".

Wow, the Browns gave up the 2nd round pick this year and their first round pick next year. Another coup. Good job Dallas.

Ravi's mom apparently calls one of their Toyota Avalons "the Mercedes". Hilarious. Gotta love the Shankars.

1:38 Seahawks fictional pick is up. This is the one they traded for Deion Branch. Could have had Greg Olsen, TE, from Miami. I would take Branch still.

Kansas City took D-Bowe with the last pick. Steve Young gets excited because a team finally took a WR to help a quarterback. Mort still shoots him down, saying Damon Huard won't start anyway. Steve looks at Mort like he is a soda. The devil to Mormons.

Phil Sauvage of the Browns says he likes trading next year's #1 pick is fine because Quinn will be a 2nd year pro next year and he can take next year off. Huh? No wonder they are horrible.

1:47 Ravi gets this one. He picked Merriweather and proceeded to yell "Give me my dolla! Give me my dolla!" What an idiot.

1:48 Ravi in. Idiot with a dolla! wait.....At least my cell phone ring isn't Barney's theme song, or maybe the Tella Tubbies. Not sure which one, but it's probably one of those.

That last pick, Brandon Merriweather was a double win for me. picked up that dolla and another point on the mockery. Up three on Brian right now. He kind of looks like he's about to cry.

Ravi Out.

2:02 I am not listening to Ravi but he is talking anyway. Stop talking.

The Panthers took Jon Beason at #25. I thought he was white. He isn't. Hmmm, maybe I am racist.

Kei Igawa is wearing sunglasses while pitching for the Yankees. Luis says, "That is so Japanese". Who is the racist now?

Cowboys trade back up into the 1st round and draft Anthony Spencer. Ok. BORING.

2:21 I win a dollar back baby. Robert Meachem to the Saints. Apparently they are just loading up on offense.

The Dolphins' draft party crowd booed Coach Cam Cameron went he announced they picked Ted Ginn Jr. Then Mark May said he won't go over the middle, can't get off the line, and will drop tough passes. Nice.

Stupid cars.com commercial. Jesus, we are getting loopy. Too much basement time. WINGS TIME!

Almost wing time. Have to wait for the end of the 1st round. I love the commercial where the guy loves his car device that tells him where to go. Funny stuff.

Patriots up next. Justin probably doesn't even know there is a draft today. Loser. Go get married on an island or something.

2:35 49ers trade up and take Joe Staley. Ravi gets that one. I picked Paul Pasluzkyzyky. Why? No idea.

I hate the 49ers. They think they are so cool. And Haryharra (Ravi's dad) loves them. He also said the Seahawks will always suck today. I think he wants to fight.

By the way, Staley's picture makes him look like someone I want to beat up. If I was 6'5, 300 lbs.

2:44 Double win for me. Ben Grubbs to the Ravens. Mel Kiper said "The Ravens are getting a great guy in Ben Grubbs" before they announce the pick. Then Ravi picks someone else. Moron.

Grubbs looks like the opposite of Staley. 49ers are idiots. They gave up next year's #1 pick for that guy. Stupid San Francisco.

2:48 Ravi in. First, my dad didn't say that the SeaChickens suck, he said they choked. He compared them to the Bills. HA HA, the bills.

I gave Brian a chance to catch up on the Mockery, so I went with Ugoh. Apparently Brian thinks I should be going for the throat.

I choose Greg Olsen for the Chargers. Let's see what happens.

Ravi Out.

2:53 Greg Olsen is going next. They showed him in Miami celebrating in some light blue room with some tan girls. It looked very Miami-y in there. How do you say that? Miami-ee. Try saying it out loud. DO IT!

Also, Greg Olsen looks like he could be your neighbor who mows the lawn for lemonade. I don't know what that is supposed to mean.

2:57 Something happened. Craig Davis from LSU. A WR taken over Dwayne Jarrett and Steve Smith. Ravi and I sit in silence. Keyshawn is disappointed a little. He "didn't think they would take this kid". Oh Key-Jo.

He is probably just pissed because he compared Jarrett to himself, which in turn means that he is a bust.

Gre-Ol must be going to Chi-Town next.

3:01 Ravi In. Sooooooo, Key-Jo just said that WR dudes from USC can be put on "Steak Knives and Ellen Saints."

Huh?

Ravi Out.

3:05 The Bears are going to take Greg Olsen. Going out on a limb as he puts on the Bears hat in his Miami-y home.

I am so smart. S-M-R-T.

3:18 Last pick. Just announced that this was the longest first round in the history of the draft. Holy jeez.

Anthony Gonzalez from the Ohio State goes last.

Final tally - Ravi 9, me 7. We are horrible at projecting. Stupid draft.

Time to go eat some wings. No more blogging for now. Too much sauce. And we all know, Jesus is the best sauce.

3:23 Ravi In. Thanks for tuning in folks. Stay on Steak Knives and Ellen Saints.
Ravi Out.